Here’s a few tips to help you land a cool dude, and if you’ve already got one, how to eliminate the stress from a few situations in order to help keep him.

1. Pretend to Understand the Plot

If you actually watched the movie/TV show instead of simultaneously talking to your mum on the ‘phone, painting your toenails an unnatural colour and slurping up some weird-smelling, Greek, lentil, yogurt-looking slop you got from the health food shop, you’d be able to understand what the hell’s going on.

Now, we understand girls are multi-taskers and asking you to focus on one thing is like asking Jesus to juggle marbles, but the whole purpose of this entertainment malarkey is to entertain, hence its name. By assigning it to a low-priority peg on your concurrent activity board the senses you’ve assigned to other tasks are missing a cacophony of nuance, which you seem to have absolutely no problem interrupting the programme to ask me about while I’m trying to watch the damn thing. Thus I miss vital dialogue myself during my hurried explanation, which perpetuates the situation until eventually there‘s absolutely no point in either of us watching it in the first place.

So feel free to go about your gaggle of activities, but please pretend to understand the plot and stop pestering us with inane questions about the blatantly obvious.

2. Wear High Heels. All the Time

High heels are magic because they turn cottage cheese into eye candy. I’m not talking about those platform-soled moonboot-looking things, either. I’m talking about proper old-fashioned stiletto heels at least five inches tall. Shoes that scream sex. We know they’re uncomfortable; we don’t care. You can take them off and wear your fuzzy bumble bee slippers as much as you want while we’re asleep or engaging in our own stress relief by being out on the piss with the lads.

3. Stop Burping and Farting in Front of Us

A good rule of thumb here is to ask yourself; What Would a Stripper Do? This rule can apply to all sorts of behaviours, not just audible gastro-intestinal emissions. If you are unfamiliar with the behaviour of strippers as a reference point, I recommend you attend one of the many stress relief strip clubs dotted around the planet. Take a date. He will appreciate it.

4. Open Your Own Car Door

Seriously, how lazy can you get? Dumb tradition be damned. Anyone that expects another human being to slavishly caper around an automobile in order to facilitate Her Majesty’s entry and egress needs to lower their expectations to a level that doesn’t pre-empt disappointment. No wonder women cry at the movies they actually do pay attention to.

Okay, how much damage has she done to the bloody car this time? Is the first thought that screams across my beleaguered brain. But her car is okay, she hasn’t been shopping and her mother’s arriving for a visit next month. So what the hell is going on here? My mind races. Is this some kind of trick? My eyes narrow behind the newspaper, not reading a word. She’s up to something, but I don’t let on that I’m wise to her wiles. Hang on a minute! Is a musical theater show coming to town?!

I make a non-committal grunt and scrabble to the entertainment section in a raw panic, though on the surface I appear millpond still. Over the years I’ve mastered this little trick of outward ice and inward fire. It’s a survival technique men have evolved to navigate the miasma of relationship bliss. A bead of sweat rolls unbidden from my armpit as I achieve the appropriate page. I find no show tunes on my immediate horizon. The relief is so palpable I have to restrain myself from sobbing a little cry of joy. This respite doesn’t last long, however, as another possibility dawns on me:

Maybe she wants to go for a walk?! Quickly, my thoughts gather and excuses begin to flip before my mind’s eye like flash cards in a procrastinated cramming session.

“It’s just that, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little short with me lately, and you’re a lot easier to talk to after you’ve blown some stuff up.